Manic Obsessions

Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend

2011-09-06T02:55:00.007+08:00

Lei Mohanachandran

She's back. :D Out of the computer screen, straight into real time.

BUT how come I saw more of her when she was on another continent?

I miss her.

~~Yes, she's back and I miss her.~~

You asked, remember?

For the good times.

xxx

ily

Day 7 - Your Ex Boyfriend.

2011-05-19T04:27:00.005+08:00

I have ex boyfriends and hardly I can't find anything about them that is relevant today.

We had, we had it good and then it was over.

Should I rant about how I don't get how someone can be part of your everyday and mean the whole world to you today and the very two people become complete strangers the next day?

Or ...

Should I tell you about my ex -boyfriend and how every single time someone hears we're not seeing each other anymore they squeal "oh great! what the hell were you thinking anyway?" Which is consequently followed by a sigh of relief and "Don't worry, you can definitely do better."

Definitely.

I guess that is all I got out of them. A knowing that I could do better. Much better.

Day 6 - A Stranger.

2011-03-13T01:01:00.004+08:00

OOooH, Another Post the Next Day?

Ah, yes, Bored eyh?

I'm here to tell you about a stranger.

"A person whom one does not know; a person who is neither a friend nor an acquaintance."

- definition of 'Stranger' according to Wiktionary

Coming back to the definition, yes she is a person I did not know (not really anyway) and yes, she's neither my friend nor is she my acquaintance.

The truth is I've know this person my whole life.

So if I knew her my whole life then how was it that she was still a stranger?

Well, simply put, there would be days I would be thoroughly convinced I knew her and out of nowhere, she would make a decision and i'd be, "Whoa, hold up, who are you?

The truth is, she has most people fooled. Most people think they know who she is but in reality only a few do. A very select few. Yes, I am one of them, if that's a good or bad thing I've yet to find out.

I would like to claim that I knew her better than anyone in the world, however, many times I have stood corrected. There are people who know her better than she knows herself. Two of them in particular, and for this reason alone she loved them both. A little more than she loves herself, and that's not such a good thing is it?

I call her a stranger because she is no longer the person I knew while I was growing up. That girl was a dreamer, she had a brighter view on life, she loved fearlessly and fiercely. She had principles and she stood by them. Now, ... she's confused. The trials she has faced and is facing has made a little bitter, a little numb and a little angry.

Now, if only somebody would be kind enough to remind her of the girl she used to be and the woman she aspired to be, then she wouldn't be a stranger anymore.

Or since we never really are the people we were when we were growing up and not many of us actually turn out the way we hoped, maybe I could just learn to get to know her again.

Would you like to get to know me again?

Day 5 - Your Favorite Quote

2011-03-10T00:36:00.005+08:00

So I've put off writing here, I blame Tumblr. (:

I'm not going to write my favorite quote but more like whom most of my favorite quotes come from.

The very lovely and absolutely gorgeous Marily Monroe.

"If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything"

"If you're going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty"

"It's better to be unhappy alone than to be unhappy with someone."

"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes., I'm out of control and sometimes hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely riduculous than to be absolutely boring."

"I am good but not an angel. I do sin but I'm not the devil. I'm just a small girl in a big world trying to find somebody to love."

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."

Yes, it does seem to me like she lived her life like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. I would have loved to have known you but I wasn't even a kid. Your candle burnt out long before, ...

Your legend never will.

xxx

Day 4 - Your Closest Relative

2011-01-28T02:52:00.011+08:00

Jean Marie Ambrose

I steal from Facebook.

My closest relative, geographically and emotionally. Sometimes physically too. Ooops

did I say that out loud?

Fondly known as Chappa, Jean is the closest person I have resembling an elder sister and if I continue to write about in this tone, she'd be rolling her eyes.

She's got character and style. Her strength in facing the trials that she's faced is exemplary and really makes me think, really what are you complaining about?

We have A LOT of things in common ...

Like Sexy Musicians (:

Starbucks

Chocolate

Starbucks

Vindaloo

Starbucks

Mutton

& did I mention Starbucks?

She's soft but rough around the edges.

Yes, I'm referring to her bum :P

She never lets me forget that no matter what happens she's already ~~seen me naked~~ & will proudly tell anyone (regardless if they cared) that we used to ~~have baths together~~. Yes, proudly.

She's one of the funniest people I know. Her knack for saying the wittiest things at the exact moment lend to her already charming ways.

Facial Tissue Advert

She has dream and ambition and I wish she knew how proud & inspired I am by the fact that she's already making her way there.

This post is dedicated to the person who's journeyed with me through much of what is right and equally through what is wrong.

Whose main concern is not whether I'm doing something acceptable but whether I'm happy.

Hello Bali.

The person who's introduced me to some amazing people.

ahKimah

The girl who loves balloons

New Year's Eve 2009

My Chappa. :)

Mal's Birthday @ Thank God It's Friday

xxx

Love You.

Day 3 - My Parents.

2011-01-05T17:18:00.006+08:00

Alphonsa Andrew & Gerard Errol de Cruz.
My Parents.
If I say anything more, I will either have to lie or bore you with painful truths.
You're not ready for either.

Nah, I'm kidding.

They're awesome.
Really.
:)

xxx

The Thief.

2010-12-20T23:45:00.003+08:00

Did I ever tell you about my encounter with a thief?

It happened two years ago on a Saturday night. I walked into a crowded restaurant located somewhere in the heart of town, greeted by noise. The place was crowded and the high & emotions floating in the air made it a lot harder to steer through the crowd. I found my place at the corner of the bar still trying to see what was going on, to no avail. I weaved thru panic striken individuals to the centre of the room and saw him, dressed all in black. The thief.
He stood there, unfazed by the sea of people who stood before him, axe in his hand. With every move and strike of the axe he threatened them. Not realizing I was staring hard at him, I raised my eyes and was met by his gaze. Now, even I was in a state of panic - immobilised, frozen in one spot. Afraid to move, I stood transfixed in that position until the ruckus had stopped. When the ruckus stopped - we "awoke". Coming out of our trance-like state we continued with our business like nothing had happened, not understanding what had just taken place. He moved silently out of the room, and left the place. As far as I can recall, he managed to get away with one thing that night. Though no one else saw, that night he left with my heart.

Day 2 - Your Crush

2010-11-29T04:26:00.004+08:00

Truth is I've put off writing this post because I realise I didn't have a crush on anyone at the moment. Funnily enough, this weeked I bumped into someone who was something like a crush that never happened or almost happened or ... honestly, I don't know what happened ... it all just went down under. Oh yes, pun intended.

I met Shevan at a mutual friend's house when we were 13. He reminded me of another boy I knew and I can't say I was particularly thrilled at finding a duplicate. Now, a very important note that all reading should remember is that Shevan had a particularly good looking older brother, Vishan. Vishan, to my 13 year old mind, was the only talldarkandhandsome guy I'd ever seen. He truly was, there was no use denying it. Back to Shevan, we spent a couple of days hanging out and got along because we were the same age. It was alllll goood.

One very stark incident that occured, which is probably the reason this week of my life has left a mark on my impressionable mind, was when I looked Shevan, dead cutely in the eye and asked if he would massage my feet. His only reply was, "How much are you paying me?" I said, "I'm not paying you ..." to which he too quickly replied, "Well, how about you give me a kiss?" -"Haha, you wish ..." That was the end of that conversation, I also remember him looking rather devastated when I said I wasn't staying the night in that particular house (He was). I left him that night with a look that simply said, "I'll see you tomorrow."

The next morning, however, Shevan, was cold. He appeared completely nonchalant and completely uninterested in me or what I had to say ... so much for seeing you tomorrow. I was quite puzzled. I pulled our mutual friend aside and asked her why he was acting strange and when it started. She didn't know. After trying to talk to him for about half an hour, he suddenly looked at me and said in a teasing tone, "So ... I heard you like Vishan." I pulled my friend aside and asked her why Shevan thought I liked Vishan and she admitted she might have said something to that effect to him the night before. She apparently took my comment about him being cute etc etc in the wrong vein. I tried explaining it to him, but to him it was a case of denial. I suppose the worst part was how he looked slightly betrayed. He left that day, and that, was simply that.

Last week, I saw him for the first time after 6 years. Now he's talldarkandhadsome too (I saw that coming). No, i'm not sitting here pining for a love that never was or anything of that sort. I'm simply wondering if he remembers any of it at all. Does he remember asking for that kiss? Does he remember my name? Is his brother single? [joke] After spending practically the whole evening trying to jog his memory non-verbally I've come to a conclusion that he doesn't remember any of it OR he's still sore about it. However, I have huge doubts that it is the latter.

So, Shevan, if you're reading this, I never had a crush on Vishan. This post is about you.

Ah, the joys of childhood. :)

The Square Root of 3

2010-11-25T20:48:00.004+08:00

I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

In A Song

2010-11-23T00:55:00.002+08:00

I was a lil girl
Building my dreams
When you came. You said hello.
Lil did I know
You'd be the path I chose
And life would bring me to your door

Years, they came and went
My dreams remained the same
My thoughts manifested thru hope
As you stood and spoke to me
Only, no one else could see
Our strange telepathy

So how do I go on
Knowing my dreams were made to break
Knowing you are the faith i cannot see
That you are what I believe
To be the truth that sets me free
My heartache's only remedy

You still watch me as I grow
Without asking you seem to know
Answers to questions I've yet to ask
You see me inside out
& I know without a doubt
Fate has chosen to cross our paths

That same destiny
Will be that deserts me
And leave me with no dreams and no past
You will kiss the tears away
As you say you can't stay
We were never made to last

And you,
Say we're alike
And we wouldve been right
Where have I been all along
Now there's nothing left to show
Nothing left to hide
Except memories of when you saw me
In a song

Day 1 - My Best Friend.

2010-11-18T15:31:00.007+08:00

I'm in a bit of a pickle right about now, I have more than one best friend. Do I name them all here, or pick one. Of course, naming all would sound like the simplest solution but then the post will never end.

Ok, I've made up my mind.

This post is dedicated to Vanessa Ee-Lyn Gomes

I think she looks super hot in this pic and I think I took that pic in Starbucks @ Borders, The Gardens &&& I'm pretty sure that's my top she's wearing. ;)

So, what do I tell you?

Let's retrace this, Ness and I have known each other for 15 YEARS! When we were 4, Ness and her parents moved from their former house No. 1939 to their current house No. 1946. Then, my family and I moved into No. 1939.
We went to kindergarten together, took our first piano lessons together, I stayed over hers, she TRIED to stay over mine (tried being the operative word), we spent the first 6 months of primary school together in the same class and then I moved.

We saw each other off and on over the years.
We're often mistake to be sisters, or cousins at the least.
Even her relatives thought we were related!
Strange.

A lot of my firsts happened with Ness. If not for her, I wouldn't have bothered with MSN Messenger, Friendster, Blogger or Facebook. Can you imagine that?

What we have come to realise over the years is that eventhough we grew up apart, we are uncannily similar. We love the colour purple, country music (yeehaw), line dancing (although she's much better at it), playing the piano and GREY'S ANATOMY. Yes, we're obsessed. :) We love to write, - short stories, poetry etc. We both want to be journalists and if not for my desire to understand the human mind, I would've probably joined her at IACT.
From here on, I'm just gonna start writing whatever comes to my mind first ... like .. I took her to get her second piercings, just like how she was there with me, when I got mine in Subang Parade!
My first time at TGIF's was with her at Subang Parade (the same day I got my ears pierced) where we used my RM 50 voucher, YumYum. My ex-boyfriend Nick and I had very few pictures together, the first, was taken by Ness on my 15th birthday!
I had my first sleepover at her house and she used to be afraid of Mr. Bean. Hahahaahahaha.
Finally, for a piece of information that no one really wants to know, she converted me from pads to tampons! With demonstrations and all, ... now that sounds wrong. I'll leave that to your imagination.

As you can see, I could go on, for 15 years worth of stories ....

Most importantly, this is what you should know that Vanessa Ee-Lyn Gomes is:

Cute
Funny
Dependable
Loving
Creative
AbitCuckoo
a bit of an ~~Alcoholic~~
Forgiving
a Good Listener
a Mad Driver
in love with House M.D.
Non-Judgemental (Trust me, I've done things)
her Popsie's Girl

MY BEST FRIEND

Go.Get.Your.Own

:)

30-day Mission

2010-11-06T23:05:00.003+08:00

So, I stole this idea from my darling Monique a.k.a Lindadoo Hamzah :)

I will TRY to post one every day, in the event that I fail, I'll just follow the list in order.

These are the topics:-

Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Favourite quote
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — Your favourite picture
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — A recipe
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Your hopes dreams and plans for the next year
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — Your dream date
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

DAY 1 STARTS TOMORROW

xxx

Everything To Me ✝

2010-10-10T20:10:00.006+08:00

WHO IS YOUR JESUS?

Is he your friend?
Your confidante?
Your brother?
Your go-to person?

I've always found myself drawn to the image of Him being just like anyone of us. Hanging out at the local mamak, sipping on teh tarik.
Sitting and talking about life, about problems and trying to understand MEN!
Who better than Him, right?
I see Him laughing and talking, playfully shoving us around when we crack lame jokes.
He's not the one to simply pick you up when you're down.
Even more than that, He's the One who lies with you as you cry, offering you a hand only when you're finally ready to be picked up.
The only One who actually listens to what you have to say, and never doubts your intentions.
He's the one who knows you best.
There's a song --
Everything to me - Avalon
... a song that speaks to the heart.
A song, written and sung like it came from my heart.

Everything To Me

I grew up in Sunday school, I memorized the Golden Rule

And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out, and I can tell you all about the path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me, and I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same because He changed my life when He became...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He is the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm aware of just how fragile life can be
I wanna tell the world I've found, a love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm prayin' just to give my heart away
I wanna live for Jesus, so that someone else might see that He is...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
Oh He's everything,

And lookin' back over my life at the end, I'll go to meet You, sayin You've been..

Everything to me
More than a story
More than words on a page of history

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything
Lord You're everything to me, Jesus

Everything, You're the water I thirst for
You're everything to me, Jesus, oh
Everything, You're the water I thirst for
The air I breathe, the song I sing, oh
Everything to me, everything to me
You're my life, my love, everything

xxx

Thanks, hun.

All The Lovers

2010-10-07T23:56:00.005+08:00

Dance
It's all I wanna do
So won't you
Dance
I'm standing here with you
Why won't you move
I'll get inside your groove
Cuz I'm on fire fire fire fire

It hurts
When you get too close
But baby it hurts
If love is really good
You just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire fire

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

Feel
Can't you see there's so much here to feel
Deep inside in your heart
You know I'm real
Can't you see that this is really higher higher higher higher

Breathe
I know you find it hard
But baby breathe
Lying next to me
Its all you need
And i'll take you there
I'll take you higher higher higher higher

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

Dance
It's all I wanna do
So won't you dance
I'm standing here with you
Why won't you move
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

I LOVE THIS SONG!!

Do You Know Someone?

2010-09-21T00:56:00.005+08:00

I picked up this piece, after hearing about Oswald Chambers recently. It happened to be the reading for the day of 20th Septemeber, and although it's already the 21st here, I'm quite glad it's the 20th somewhere.

I find this view on being Christian quite radical, and rather atypical when compared to the usual stuff we were taught in Sunday School. Now, I'm no scholar on the Cathechism of the Catholic Church, but why do I feel like they should have taught me this instead?

Reading for 20th September, 2010

"The expression of Christian character is not good doing, but God-likeness. If the Spirit of God has transformed you within, you will exhibit Divine characteristics in your life, not good human characteristics. God's life in us expresses itself as God's life, not as human life trying to be godly. The secret of a Christian is that the supernatural is made natural in him by the grace of God, and the experience of this works out in the practical details of life, not in times of communion with God. When we come in contact with things that create a buzz, we find to our amazement that we have power to keep wonderfully poised in the centre of it all."

Do you know anyone like this?

If you do have someone like this or find someone like this, hold on tight. Trust me, he/she will be the best thing that ever walked into your life.

My Valentine

2010-08-28T20:43:00.004+08:00

Good and sad,
Strange mixed feelings,
What a lopsided thing we've got.
I pull you closer,
You pull away,
Some things are strange,
'Cos you forgot

I say I love you,
You smile and laugh,
Maybe it's all in my head.
Then you say you love me,
Then you confuse me,
Still, I don't regret

Time passes slowly,
Still swiftly and then
I can't get out of bed.
Your moves are all cautioned,
Your thoughts go unspoken
I remember all that you've said

You pull me closer,
I stay in your arms,
Then, you walk away.
Find someone better,
Then you'll remember,
Why I refuse to stay

My heart still longing,
Your heart undecided,
As you lay your head next to mine.
We linger together,
No life ever after,
Tonight we will be fine.

Love always denied,
Like thieves, like a crime,
We hide ourselves away.
Love that won't falter,
Divided by water,
A river;
Feelings kept at bay.

Still we do linger
You are who is better.
My darling,
My Valentine.

xxx

Overwhelmed;

2010-08-12T15:00:00.002+08:00

Overwhelmed; have you been so overwhelmed by someone?

Overwhelmed to the point of nervousness - like "will they like my
hair?" or "will they like my clothes?" or "did I put on too much
makeup?" or "do I smell nice?" or "what if theydont like the color of
my nails?" and finally it's "shit, wait, do they even care?"
Have u been like that ..?

Overwhelmed bcos you haven't seen them in a what "seems" like forever.
So you're excited and your heart is pounding and you've got a ditsy
smile which you try, to no avail, to hide. And you fidget while you're
getting dressed and you fidget while you're waiting. And there's a
spring in yr step and nothin anyone will say will dampen yr mood bcos
u've been waiting to see this person ... and now that time is here.

But, WAIT, there's no way in hell you're gonna let the person who
makes you feel this way, see you this way. Like a fool in love. So you
keep a straight face when they arrive. Sometimes you don't even let
the slightest emotion show because if u let one drop out, the dam WILL
explode. You will look like a ditsy fool in love. Like a schoolgirl
with her handsome english teacher, all blushy and giggly. Growup man!

Hence, by the time theloveofyourlife arrives you're paranoid and
nervous. Actually, on the inside you're warm and you're fuzzed up.
You're almost intoxicated by their scent and all you want to do is
throw your arms around them and kiss them and tell them how much
you've missed them.

In the back of your head a voice goes, "But what if they don't
reciprocate?"

Here we go again.

xxx
Kathleen

How

2010-08-09T00:51:00.002+08:00

How did your girlfriends let you go
Didn't they see your passion bursting at the seams?
How did they let you walk away
And do everything to keep you
Not only in their dreams

How did they wake from music
That enchants me, now, as I sleep
How did they give up, your hypnotizing scent
That keeps me still so deep

How did they break your heart?
When all that is there is love
Didn't they wanna fulfill your desires
Being everything that you've yearned.
What kind of crazy were they?
To let a gem so rare slide by
Cos you know if I had my way
You'd be forever mine.

xxx
Kathleen

All your plans

2010-06-21T16:41:00.002+08:00

All your plans
Your visions of grandeur
Your plans for life ever after
You're letting it go
Letting it slide
It's all a huge disaster

Our lives, are only too short
How do I spend it with you
When you're throwing it away?
Our lives, are all that we have
Why won't you hold on,
Why won't you stay?

Everything you do
Eerything you try
Seems to fall apart
Leave, you'll be fine
You can't save a fragile heart

Our lives, better left to chance
How do I go on
Your white flag waving high
Your tears dont fall
You don't see me cry
You're so ready for goodbye.

xxx
Kathleen

Hopes Crushed

2010-06-01T22:15:00.002+08:00

Hopes Crushed

She dressed up again last night
Made sure her hair was in place
Painted her nails shades of purple
Wearing a smile on her face
He's coming tonight for sure
She coaxed herself once more
But as the night wore out and the candle dimmed
She knew she couldn't lie anymore

She let her tears spill
Run the liner down
Spoil the smile she had put on
This time she couldnt hold it in
Her longing hopes were crushed.

He called her to say he was sorry
That was 2 nights ago
He said darling I'll be there tomorrow
Then I'll hold you like before
But as she lay in her bed
Tears on the pillow
She knew she'd be sleeping alone

She let the tears spill
Held her pillow tight
To drown out her screaming heart
This time she'd waited too long, now
Her longing hopes are crushed

Maybe tomorrow will be better
Maybe he'll call tonight
Maybe he'll say he's sorry
She would say it's alright
But for now...

She let the tears spill
Heart screaming inside
She knew she'll forgive the pain
Cos the way she loved him, he was worth
Getting hopes crushed again

kathleengilliandecruz

Sent from my iPhone

Paradox.

2010-01-18T03:07:00.004+08:00

The deafening silence
rang through the room.
Like the sound of a -
pin drop.

The bright light
flooded the hallway.
Like the rays of -
the moon.

The echo was heard
throughout the city.
Like a choir of -
the mute.

A sight to behold
a masterpiece.
In ultimate detail -
an empty canvas.

The beauty
the significance
of -
Absolutely Nothing.

Gone.Home.Only.Stopping.There.

2010-01-18T02:58:00.007+08:00

They stood there yelling at each other.

“How could you do this?
How can you stand here and look at me like you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about?
You promised this wouldn’t happen again!
Liar!”

Her knuckles turned white.

“After all the tears, the anguish, the begging for forgiveness THIS is what you do?”

“I wasn’t thinking, it just happened ok?
If you were in my shoes you would’ve done the same thing.”

“You’re such a ~~selfish bitch~~!
Me! Me! Me!
It’s always about you.”

“I’m not the only one who does these things.
Why don’t you go bother someone else.”

She was summoning her energy.

“I may leave now but you know that won’t make a difference.
Not to me and certainly not to you.
Then again, what the hell do you care, ~~selfish bitch~~!
You’re so ~~fucking selfish~~!”

She swung her fist, and hit hard.

She did it not because she knew it would shut her up, rather because she wanted to see her bleed.

Great, exactly what she needed.

7 years of bad luck.

All Rights Reserved©KathleenGilliandeCruz.2010.

Back.

2009-12-30T02:09:00.007+08:00

He held out her hand to her.
"I know you've been having a hard time..."
"But you said you thought I was happy and gotten on..."
"C'mon Kie, you've been crying out. I can disappear again if that's what you want."
"No, don't go. Don't disappear again."

She wasn't ready to lose him again, still she was confused. It felt as though that both the men were on the same tag team. Taking turns to be with her, be nice to her and just as one leaves the other returns.

If only he knew the clanging that went on in her head.

Did she really want him back in her life?

Was he all she made him out to be?

All she remembered him as?

The truth was, even she didn't know. She didn't know whether she wanted him back or if she was ready to move on with her life. With love. She was just happy that he was talking to her again, like nothing happened. Maybe that was for the best, to pretend like nothing happened. To start fresh.

She sat staring at her computer screen, putting her thougths to words. Finding her solace in the rhythmic verses that flowed from somewhere inside.

All Rights Reserved©KathleenGilliandeCruz.2009.

Over.

2009-12-27T01:11:00.004+08:00

There was a silence as she sat facing the wall. Her knuckles stained with blood that soaked the bandage. The fifth bandage that week. She continued punching the wall in anger, the wood was starting to show signs of weakness. Her continuous attempts to break the wall in front of her were not indications of strength, instead a reminder of her weakness. A reminder of a lost battle, a reminder of more than material loss and more than that a reminder of how she let it all take control over her.

She sat, admitting defeat for today. She sat and watched the blood trickle from her knuckles onto her knees and was lost in her thoughts, numb to the pain. Silently she let the world revolve around her, spinning rapidly as she lived in slow motion. Every second was accounted for, like an hour instead. She was lost in so many different ways. The silence was deafening.

In a split second they knew that this was all going to be over soon. She hung her head and she cried for the first time. She screamed in agony, clutching her bleeding knuckles, she cried and cried. She cried until there were no more tears to cry. She cried until she thought the pain was gone. One of them went inside and lay next to her, holding her as she gasped for air in between sobs. Then, it was over.

It was over.

She sat soaked in her tears.

Praying.

Praying that the hurting was over too.

Ave Maria.

Big 5

2009-12-11T19:20:00.000+08:00

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (84%) very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Accommodation (58%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Orderliness (28%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, random, scattered, and fun seeking at the expense too often of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Emotional Stability (54%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being calm and resilient and being anxious and reactive.
Inquisitiveness (38%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

A Happy Birthday.

2009-11-18T04:53:00.004+08:00

“Thank you for today. Thank you for coming. Thank you for turning around. Even if we didn’t get to talk almost at all. Thank you. I had a wonderful birthday.”
“Hey, sweetie, no problem. It was your birthday, it was the least I could do.”
“Hey…”
“Yeah?”
“ You should know that I love you.”
“Oh… really…wow…you’re sure?”
“Absolutely positive.”
“And you’re sure it’s not a little crush or maybe some sort of puppy love?”
“Yes, I’m quite sure it’s the real deal.
“ I see…”
Clearly it wasn’t the answer she had expected, truth is, she did not know what to expect. She was happy she had told him, now she was simply confused at his reply.
But she saw it all to clearly in her head. The scene from few hours ago.

The loud music blaring in the background, she had been standing in the corner talking to Tori, when Tori started squealing.
“Ohmygosh, Keira, he’s here.”
“What? Who? Where?” suddenly it felt like the very little alcohol had kicked in, there was no way he would be here. He said he wasn’t coming. He simply couldn’t.
Still, there he was. As he looked out sifting through the throng of people for her, she did the first thing that came to mind.
She grabbed Tori and ran outside.
“Keira, what on earth are you doing?”
“I need to breathe, he’s not supposed to be here!”
“So? Just go in and say hi! What’s the matter with you?”
“Well, I don’t know… I’m nervous.”
The door swung open, and David stepped out.
“Ey, what’s up? What are ya’ll doing here?”
Keira grabbed the cigarette he was holding, “Sorry, I need this.”
“Sure…”
Keira took one long puff and returned it.
“Ok, let’s go…”
The two of them had just gone back in when they were pulled onto the dance floor, and while they were dancing Keira felt someone’s hand on her back.
He motioned that he was leaving and left. Keira stood there stunned for a moment, before she realised what had happened.
She turned to Tori with a look of almost horror, “You have got to be kidding!?”
“Listen, calm down, we’ll go and see if he’s still outside, and if he’s not you can call him, ok?”
“Ok…”
It did not surprise Keira that he wasn’t outside. If there was one thing he was good at, it was escaping. Quickly.
She took out her mobile and dialed his number.
“Hey, where did you go?”
“Sorry sweetie, something came up and I had to leave.”
“But you were here for barely a minute and you haven’t even wished me yet.”
“Yeah, I know…”
“Where are you?”
“I’m on my way into the city, why?”
“Well, you can’t possibly be that far out, turn around, come back.”
“I can’t sweetie.”
“You have to. Just for awhile. I didn’t even get the chance to say hello and you’ve already said goodbye.”
“I might be awhile, say 10 minutes?”
“I’ll wait, Tori and I are waiting outside.”
As she pressed the red button on her phone, her friends Michael and Ryan showed up.”
Oh great, why did they have to show up now?
“Hey guys! Thanks so much for coming!”
Just as they were approaching her, she saw his car pull up.
She threw an anxious glance at Tori, silently screaming for help.
He walked up towards them and just stood beside her as she entertained her friends. She quickly pulled Tori aside, hoping she had an idea of what to do.
“Well, what do I now?”
“Kie, I honestly do not know…”
“Come on Tori, think!”
“Why don’t you just go over there and talk to him like a normal civilised person.
I’m pretty sure those friends of yours have seen you talking to a guy before without raising speculation.”
“Right, good thinking, maybe.”
Keira and Tori started walking back only to realise that there was no one there.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…”
Keira flipped out her cell again and called him.
“Where’d you go?”
“Sweetie, there was no way we could have spoken in privacy without anyone coming out looking for you or those guys wondering who I was. Why don’t you go ahead and enjoy your party, I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”
“Oh, ok. Ok then. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Keira?”
“Yeah?” she tried not to sound too disappointed.
“Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks.” she smiled.

She lay in her bed still smiling, while she heard him talk to her over the phone. There was something about his voice and the things it made her feel. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. They talked on into the night, and after they said goodnight, Keira fell asleep a little more peacefully than she usually did.

Time Warp.

2009-11-15T01:41:00.005+08:00

As I sat there gazing out of the window, I saw him standing there. Just like the first time, and then I’m suddenly dragged into a time warp of memories. It’s all coming back to me now. That night at dinner, when he played with the silver ring on my finger.
“You’re just ready for love aren’t you?” he asked, smiling.
“I’m ready for you…”
“Always good with the words.”
“Here before I forget, this is long overdue. I hope you like it, it isn’t as great as I had planned it to be. Still, I hope you like it.” I handed him the small green bag.
He pulled out the t-shirt, and smirked my favourite smirk.
“You had this custom-made?”
“More like I custom-made it.”
“Really? Wow, thanks hun,” he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
I simply gazed back into his eyes, and I knew that night was special.
Little did I know, however, that it would be the only one that was as special for a very long time...
So there I was sitting, so many hours, days, weeks, months and years later. Sitting in the same restaurant, he didn’t notice me as I sat watching him sip on his watermelon juice .
“Keira? Keira?”
“Huh, what?”
“What are you daydreaming about?”
“Er… nothing.. Sorry.”
I took one last long glance at him before I got back to my dinner, and just as I was turning away he caught my eye.
He looked at me, with the sparkle of the little orange lights that hung on the tree branches above him and it was then I knew.
He remembered us too.

Modesty

2009-09-08T21:47:00.005+08:00

Is there such a thing as natural modesty?

Do we really feel shy when we are naked in public, or is it simply because we were raised to feel shy in situations as such?

If you do say that feeling of immodesty is innate, then how would you explain those who live in naturalist cultures and society? Those who actually prefer to walk around, their legs entwined with runners and breasts grazing the leaves. Ok, let's not get carried away.

People like Ruben from Intro to Philosophy might say that modesty is natural, and then of course give the longest, most irrelevant explanation to why he thinks so. Modesty is natural because it had to come from somewhere and that some people could be naturally modest.

So if we look at it from Ruben's point of view, some people can be naturally modest, thus ashamed at the thought of immodest behaviour. Meaning, that if they were to walk around naked they might just die. So, what about those who were not born with that innate sense of modesty? Do they just walk around freely, in all nudity? What if they were born into our culture and are forced to wear clothes? Would they feel weird? Wouldn't they much rather shrug it all off and walk around baring all for all to see?

SO here, listen to me, even though Mun Horng will tell you there's no right or wrong answer, I was right today.

There is no such thing as Natural Modesty, what a load of horsewhip. Modesty is taught by religion or race and encouraged by society. If ever there was natural modesty, why is half of the world dressed till their toes and others barely dressed at all? C'mon people we're not talking about DNA replication here. So if one has it, all should too.

Ruben, get real.

Camwhores :)

2009-08-25T23:21:00.002+08:00

Out with Amanda Kumunda, the boys as usual ditched us to bang balls (read: play pool). So we headed out to the boutiques outside Asia Cafe and proceeded to Sunway Pyramid afterward. sssoooooOOO fun! But, I think the people who work in Jusco were either curious if we were gay or really annoyed cos we tried on like 10 outfits but bought only 1. :) And we messed the place up quite a bit. Sorry ya’ll. :) That LBD was gorgeous!!!!!! Dang, I loved it. Even the lil’ blue one, would make me look like ohemgeee sista! Oh oH! The long flowy dress, which she and I tried on together was sooowwweee pweettttyyyy, I can just imagine us walking on the beach, and the wind blowing our dress and our hair. Then, of course, somewhere in the background are our boyfriends trying to fathom how they got so lucky. :)

Happy birthday Amanda!

xoxo

The Lighter Way to Enjoy Kathleen

2009-08-24T22:45:00.005+08:00

Go to: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi
Put your name in, and generate slogan for each question.T
ag 20 people including me.

1. What do you say to yourself every morning?
Nothin' says Lovin' like Kathleen from the oven

2. What do you want other people to say about you?
Kathleen tested, Mother approved.

3. Someone asked you out, your answer is...
When it Absolutely, Positively has to be Kathleen overnight.

4. How would you answer a booty call?
An Army of Kathleen

5. How would you introduce yourself to someone you really like?
Pardon me, do you have any grey Kathleen?

6. To someone you dislike?
Leave the Kathleen to us.

7. You're in a conversation and you suddenly feel the need to pee, how would you excuse yourself?
Ding-Dong! Kathleen calling!

8. Your parents ask you why you got home late, you say...
Just what the Kathleen ordered?

9. You're failing a subject, you say...
Think once, Think twce, Think Kathleen

10. The love of your life asks you to marry him/her, what do you say?
Nothing comes between me and my Kathleen.

11. Your bf/gf is breaking up with you, you tell him/her...
151 countries, 1 Kathleen. [alryte!]

12. Someone told you you're an asshole, you tell them...
I'm Lovin' Kathleen :)

13. What are the best words to describe you?
The Best Part of Waking Up is Kathleen in your Cup.

14. If you're going to have a movie about your life, the title is...
Go On, Get Your Kathleen Out.

15. Your last words before you die...
Today's Kathleen, since 1903. (dude...)

16. Your message to a special someone..
Absolut Kathleen

17. Title of this post will be...
The Lighter Way to Enjoy Kathleen

Me likey

2009-08-13T21:03:00.002+08:00

Dear Joel,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat.I think I realised it when I tripped on peanut butter outside of your office and I saw you pour syrup on my boyfriend. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returnng your toe ring to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood-sample as a memory. You should know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Kathleen.

The Alphabets

2009-08-10T20:38:00.004+08:00

Was sitting outside today, when Brendan and I suddenly started singing this song. Eli and Amanda were like.... "Huh?". Quite random, but got me all goofy smiley.

A you're Adorable

B you're so Beautiful

C you're so Cute and full of Charm

D you're a Darling

E you're Exciting

F you're a Feather in my life

G you're so Good to me

H you're so Heavenly

I you're the one that I delight

J you're so Jolly good

K you're so Kissable

L you're the Lovelight in my eyes

M N O P

... i could go on all day.

Q R S T

... alphabetically speaking, you're ok!

U U are the one I want

V you're so Very sweet

W X Y Z

... It's fun to wander thru the Alphabets with YOU, to tell you what you mean to ME!

For the ONES that I LOVE.

Birthdays!!!

2009-08-07T22:43:00.010+08:00

This following post is dedicated to my darling August babies

3rd August 1992

Zaena Nair

Happy 17th birthday darling!! Haven't been in touch with this one for a long time, but we had some amazing times. xoxo

5th August 1991

Vanessa Ee-Lyn Gomes

ok here's a special one! Nessylyn is finally legal and yes she's happily flashing her IC at anyone who wants to have a look. :D Welcome to adulthood baybeh. <33>

6th August 1991

Joshua Kyle

Joshua!! Silly boy. Who very ingeniously made us drive from Online to Devi's (Bangsar) to Mist to Devi's to TTDi only to let us know he was going back to Bangsar. Drunkard!! Lol. Happy Birthday baby!!!!!!!!!!!

7th August 1991

Vigneshwari Jeyakumaran

Vky!!!!!!! My first bff in high school. It was her birthday and she called. Damn I miss this woman. Happy Birthday babe. lalalalala

and last but definitely not least

8th August 1991

Chan Xian Wei

Chan chan!! my lesbian partner in school. lol don't ask. we had some friskayh times, we did! Happy 18th baby. kisses!!!

i told you so ;)

2009-08-03T17:42:00.002+08:00

today is the 3rd of August.
I'm blogging from home.
Woohoo!
The PC is HERE to STAY.
dance with me now!!!

Hear Ye!

2009-07-05T12:34:00.005+08:00

I have good news, well it is for me at least.
By this time next month, the damned PC will finally arrive!
Yes constant blogging.
So, to ye ardent fans ( if I have any) hold on to yer ponies.
I'll be back.
Soon.
And still, sooner, after that.
:D
Kathleen is happy:)

Lessons

2009-03-01T12:26:00.003+08:00

I was at work the other day, where I bumped into Catherine, my Sunday School teacher back from kindy. She had come to attend the Musical Toddlers program with her son. I instantly recognised her husband at the reception area, who had no clue why I kept staring at him.

When she did see me after she came out of the studio, yes, she was surprised because “Kathleen? You're working now?” was all she could muster.

And I couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking when she saw me, when she discovered that itsy bitsy Kathleen now had a job.

What are they thinking, when do look at me?

How time has passed? Or are they a little more self-absorbed to instead start thinking of how old they've become.

Quite ticlking actually, that I became a little self-absorbed and started thinking of how I was getting old..-er.

So how have I grown since she taught me? Have I grown well? I guess i'd have to ask her, or those around me. I fear the answers though.

What have I learned these 18 years?

Nothing in life, except love, comes free.

-I say this because I like Adidas shoes, and clothes from Forever 21. I also say this because i'm on the verge of being broke and that had to happen somehow, right? My love, however much they've tried, can't be bought. Sorry fellas. :D
No pain, no gain

-I seem to have to repeat this lesson everyday. No pain, no piercings ( I have 6). but the physical pain goes away, its the pain we feel inside that I haven't found the ultimate cure for. Thank God for ness. Phew...!
Patience is a virtue.

-A virtue I still struggle to hold on to. But as I sit here waiting another day, for my phone to buzz, I realise I have much more patience than most people I know.
The greatest sacrifice is letting go

-Maybe thinking this up was a hint. To let go. I've done it before, i'm just not sure I'm ready to do so again, just yet. At least, not without a fight.
Boys will be boys.

-And so will the men. And that's all there is to say.
Your father is always right.

-Or rather it's better to let him think you agree rathen than to disagree because it's really no use. Only until you're 21 of course. They assume that being right comes with age, yeah right daddy! :D
Good looks can only take you so far, and do so much.

-My good looks have been abused. How? Well, for starters that Amelia girl was being ultimately immature when she said she was intimidated by me. Nutjob! And there's that other thing which i'll only tell you if you care enough to ask, and if i'm comfy enough to tell you.

Me me me!

2009-03-01T11:58:00.003+08:00

My name is KATHLEEN GILLIAN de CRUZ!!!

Kathleen

Originates from Greece; meaning:Pure.
Very popular in Ireland (where i thought it originated from)

It is pronounced KATH-LEEN 2 syllables only!!!

It's not KAT-THE-LEEN!!

The 'h' stays with the 'kat'...

How do you expect it to be KAT-HLEEN.

Sounds like an asthma attack. :D

nor is it

KAIT-LIN!

GILLIAN

Spelt with a G pronounced with a J. Don't ask.

like this: jillian not geelian or Gilligan (it's really not funny)

Origin: Latin; Meaning: Down-bearded youth

Also a popular Irish name. I think Irish is what dadddy had in mind.

de

means 'of'

Is always in lower caps, except for official forms where we make exceptions.

No apostrophe, please!!!

Cruz
Which means 'cross' makes me a self-proclaimed descendant of the One on the Cross.

It is pronounced as it is spelt. Cruz!

So in a nutshell:

PURE DOWN-BEARDED YOUTH OF THE CROSS.

Me Likey. :D

Transitions; when cousins get bored. :D

2009-02-25T12:37:00.002+08:00

We were young and innocent, oblivious to everything else. “Babies come from belly buttons. That's what my marmy told me.”

Making paper planes and imitating the Power Rangers. Cooking bougainvilleas and leaves on a Barbie kitchen set. Playing pretend while marmy was cooking on a real kitchen set. Boys?? Eeeew!

Years have passed since then; many years.

Now mum expects cooking on a real kitchen set and I dream of flying away in a real plane. Watching One Tree Hill and 90210 (the new version). Expecting flowers (instead of cooking them), wishing they would stop playing pretend. Not so innocent, wondering how the younger ones can be so ignorant and oblivious. Boys?? *giggles*

I've grown, everywhere!

Suddenly life is so much more complicated than which toy I want to play with today. Getting up means having to decide what I want to wear, how troublesome! Everyday is another decision, another question. Most of which still remain unanswered. Still a mystery.

People have changed. I have changed. My playground buddies are now sliding off different things, and I am now swinging in different directions. The Monkey Bar is a new club in town and that “spinning thingy” has now confused my thoughts. The grass, as usual, is greener on the other side. Now when we say, “Go fly kites”, we don't get that enthusiastic response we used to. Ironic, isn't it? Hide & seek now means hiding our emotions, whilst waiting for them to seek our hearts, our minds, our feelings.

When we were young, we used to talk about the future. Now, we try to hide our past and avoid the future. What are we afraid of?? Wrinkles? Judgement? Abandonment? Gossip? Loneliness? Hurt? Change? Others? Them? Ourselves.

We used to play pretend, our stepping stone into the real world. All the world's a stage, literally, and everyone is an actor. Sometimes I wish we'd stop playing that game, get out of character, get out of costume, remove the masks and write our own scripts.

Conversations used to take place at slumber parties, where we used to tell stories and giggle till the wee hours of the morning. Now we sit in the dark corners of our rooms and speak to little screens. Our thumbs tend to move faster than our thoughts and we've lost the ability to look people in the eyes whilst having a conversation. Everything is suddenly virtual. We are slowly going mute. Abbreviations increase our talking space, but ironically cut down our talk time.

Sex, now, does not mean gender. Giggling about sex does not mean we're embarrassed to talk about, it means we've thought about doing it. Boys are still “Ewwww!” because now it's the men we're after. *giggles*

Inspired by,

Chappa & Puchi

[Jean & Kathleen]

Alex Peters

2009-02-25T12:10:00.007+08:00

Ok, so I'm posting this because it is occupying space in my drafts folder. :D It's been sitting there since A Li Yaa, so I've finally decided it is long enough :) to be published. This one is for Ness and it's for me. It ends tonight. Enjoy.

CLUELESS?
I can't decide how to start this one, so I'll dive right in.
Hiding behind the walls of Flatfish, is a musical genius. Flatfish is not a state penitentiary in any country I assure you. It's a studio, and I promise i'll get to the bottom of that name. Alex Peters (not uncle) is someone who needs no introductions, unless of course, you were born in the 21st century with no musical background whatsoever. I spent some of my childhood trying to figure out who he was exactly. Everyone who knew him, raved about him and I was clueless. My brother Brendan, who took a couple of drum lessons from him, chose to also rave about his house and Flatfish, the studio. Again, I was clueless. So, for those who are as clueless as I was, who is he? Alex Peters is a musician (surprise,surprise) who has been around in the music scene longer than I've been alive. He has yet to put out an album, despite being given the opportunity. He says it's too time consuming and such, I think he's just being selfish with his magic [joke]. XD His current project EAR is brewing in the pots at Flatfish, thus he has no time to answer any more questions I might have. So this will have to do for the time being. :D
Oh yes, if I may so cheekily add, he is single too. ;D

HOME SWEET HOME @ Machines Outlet.
Somewhere in early December 2008, I started to see what all the fuss was about. Wooden interior, dim lighting, jazz music playing softly in the background. Forty guitars (only) arranged on the wall, on the floor, on a cabinet and some line the walls of the staircase that lead to his 2 rooms. In his room, a giant DVD cabinet, a fluffy bed, and I think a 32" TV. Attached is his bathroom, or what Brendan dubbed "pissing heaven". No, don't ask me what I was doing in his room *cheeky smile*. Back to the ground floor, unlike most people who have magazines and coasters, his coffee table dons a 24" inch Apple iMac, some iPods, his iPhone (which is yet to be released in Malaysia) and some other boy toys. Quite cutely juxtaposed with his iMac is his gramaphone and now thanks to his demo I finally know what it means when people say "crank and wind". Step into his kitchen and behold, his only housemates, Fa Mulan and Fu Manchu. Faye and FooFoo are not dragons from the Disney cartoon nor do they belong to any sort of lizard family (I think). They are his dogs and boy are they cute! Of course I wouldn't be doing any justice if I forget to mention Ming his adorable ball of fur who he just lost to cancer. Yes, I know it sucks, dogs get cancer too. So I'm playing with the dogs, when I absent-mindedly look around me and I notice a door on my right and (just to be a little dramatic) I see a light shining from beneath the door. Slowly, pushing the door open, I hear the throngs of angels sing in my head. Flatfish.
I walked in with mum and Kim who was threatening to tie mum's hands up if she even attempted to touch anything. Mum's only reaction was when she was leaving, she stared at the back of the door and she said, "Look at all those wires." Trust mum to notice things. Nevermind the other 'small things' like his Macnotebook and some more 3-5 mac screens on the walls, and the control panels, and the keyboards (yes, he plays them darned keys too) and all the buttons and gadgets and... I could go on for awhile. Then he enters and asks me if I'm interested in music and whether I'd like to come back another day and try out some of the stuff in his studio. (Oh, yes please!) :D

A LI YAA
Finally, after much persuasion (bugging) we went to see him perform in A LI YAA. We entered in the middle of his EAR version of U2's With or without You. EAR is Ethnic Alternative Rock, and after spending a considerable amount of time trying to figure out what that kind of music would sound like, I was pleased to find out it was simply Alternative Rock with an Ethnic twist (how slow am I?). In this case it was him on lead vocals and guitar, minus one which included the tabla and the cherry on top was the two sisters Shankari and Keshvi dancing the Bharathanatyam to the music in front of him. The rest of the night I stood there in the middle, and was awed although by now I can't quite remember all the songs he played. One song stuck though, 'Saw Her Standing There' by the Beatles, "she was just 17, if you know what I mean...I'll never dance with another,oooooh!" Sorry, got carried away. So yes, that night I found out why people rave about him, and I know why whenever he plays the venue is jam-packed (cos daddy always covers it the day before) haha, just kidding. On the 20th of December, 2008 I saw magic, and just like I said to daddy after Alex played his last song "That was definitely worth bugging you for." Nowadays, I rave about Alex Peters, I think it is contagious. The reactions I get? "How the hell is he still single?" Well, ladies, it is all quite simple actually. He's too busy making love to his guitar! (no pun intended) xD

They're not letting me go......

2009-02-10T14:13:00.001+08:00

>4^th December, 2008

3.oo am.<

I looked out my window, the car was parked in the driveway.

I'm not entirely sure why I was up at that hour.

I walked out into the kitchen, Chris was on the laptop.

Walked into the hall, peeked into dads room.

He wasn't there.

Hmmm?

“Chris where's dad?”

“Sitting outside.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Uncle Kasim died.”

“What????? How?”

“He was shot.”

“By who???”

*shrugs shoulders...”*

Silently debating if I should go out to see how dad is, I walked back to my bedroom. I peeked out my window again and wondered how I hadn't seen my dad sitting there earlier. I decided against going out, I would've wanted to be left alone.

Uncle Kasim, I've known him longer that I've know my sister. That's more than 12 years. He used to be around a lot when I was a kid. But, after he settled down in Thailand some years ago, I only remember seeing him twice. We will never know what really happened that day. From what dad tells us,...

He was having drinks with some friends, there were a couple of guys at another table. When he finished he left. He went back home, and when he reached home he got a call. Someone asked him to meet up at the restaurant. He went back. No one is quite sure who or what it was about. When he about to leave, he saw these two men again and he asked them what they were still doing there because it was late and the place was about to close. They said they were waiting for a mechanic because their motorcycle had broken down. He offered them a ride and told them to leave their motorcycle there until the next morning. When they got to the car he reached to open the door. That was when one of them pulled a gun out, and shot him. Twice.

*flashback*

>car, parents and siblings in the back, Uncle Kasim's girlfriend in driver's seat, he's in the passenger seat, I'm on his lap.<

“Honey...”

*giggles*

“Kathleen, why are you laughing?”

“Well you called her honey, that's what bees eat!”

*chuckles*strokes hair*

“Kathleen, honey is not what bees eat, it's what they make.”

“Owh...” :D

>I was 4<

>31^st August, 2008, The Backyard Pub, Desa Sri Hartamas, just after midnight<

“Kathleen, you were the one who cooked that day? Can you cook vindaloo?

“Not yet” xD

“Well do you know that I have a recipe for vindaloo in my wallet.”

“Haha, ok....”

“The next time I come down we'll make vindaloo.”

“Well, its a deal then.

>some minutes later, I've forgotten how the conversation steered in this direction<

“well, I can tell you something, I've known you since you were this high”

*motions with hand*

“And I can say that you've done a fine job growing up. You've grown into a fine young lady.

“Thank you.”

“I wouldn't worry about you.”

“Well, you should try telling dad that.” xD

>I've told people this story but I always stop after the promise to make vindaloo.<

Mum told us how one time Uncle Kasim came over with his kids, and his eldest son Vicharnt fell down and they had to borrow our ice pack and also how he promised to return the ice pack. She's still waiting for it.

Just like how I'm still waiting to make vindaloo.

Nan, has had a couple of dreams since the tragedy.

In one, she is seated between rows of chairs and hears a shot.

She turns around to see what it was when she heard someone say,

“Shoot him again, one won't kill him. Let him go peacefully.”

>3^rd December, 2008, de Cruz residence<

>My grandpa's death anniversary, Uncle kasim's 3oth day.<

We went for mass.

That night my dad had some of Uncle Kasim's close friends and kids over for dinner.

It was also the day Chris told me about Nan's other dream.

I'm not sure if I've got it right but this was how it went.

It's dark, two men are holding Uncle Kasim back.

Someone (i'm not sure who) is telling him to let go.

His reply was, “How do you want me to go when they're not letting me go.”

That's when the scene outside my house, flashed across my mind.

Uncle James, Uncle George, Uncle Dino, Aunty Carol, Eli, Aunty Helen, Vicharnt, Virapol, Nan, daddy, mummy and some others whose names I don't know. All of them seated outside, sharing stories about Uncle Kasim, and then there's that reminiscent silence that follows.

“How do you want me to go when they're not letting me go.”

Today I watched One Tree Hill.

Peyton said this to Lucas.

“In some weird twisted way, today I learnt that the greatest sacrifice is letting go. I love you, and I want you to be happy. I want that with all my heart. I love you, but if what you want from me is to let go, then that's what I'll do. It's only because I love you.”

It's time we let go.

Be happy Uncle Kasim, we love you.

What goes around

2009-02-10T13:54:00.006+08:00

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Write your comments in brackets beside your answer.
5. Tag 25 friends (the randomer the better!)
6. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
7. Have Fun!

ok here we go!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY:
Over You. *nick? definitely!*

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Sexy Back. *totally!*

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Mustang Sally?????? *no comment!*

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I call it love. *giggles*

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sorry, blame it on me???

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
walk away. *hell yeah!*

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
hot! *oh yeah!*

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful. *awwww*

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Down on bended kness *hmmmm......maybe..lol*

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
because u loved me? *4kids???*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
bad day *always there for me when i have one!!*

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Jesus take the wheel..* i agree*

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
when i fall in love...*apparently*

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
lose yourself, bhanggara remix. *sure as hell feel like dancing*

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
when you say nothing at all *i've made that decision!*

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
like you'll never see me again *no shit!*

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
the river???

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
have you ever * living the fear*

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
better than me *yupp....*

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
break me *yes i do*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
smack that *hahahahahahahaha*

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
dream a lil dream. * yes if he was...lalalalala*

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PICK UP LINE?
feels like tonight *i'll try that sometime*

WHAT ARE YOU MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT?
my immortal? *i wish!!!*

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
once upon a december *and the other months too!*

ARE YOU ATTACHED TO SOMEONE?
one sweet day * i will be...*

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?
predictable *you don't say....*

IF YOU HAD TO NAME A PET, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
mizunderstood *the one after bapuk!!*

IF YOU HAD TO NAME A HUMAN BABY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
hot? * no way man!*

IF SOMEONE SAYS "You Suck!", YOU SAY:
i swear * if i had a gun...*

IF SOMEONE OFFERS YOU DRUGS, YOU SAY:
long way to go?

WHAT WILL YOUR FUTURE BE LIKE?
hotel california * sounds fun!!! wink*

WHAT DOES EDUCATION MEAN TO YOU?
this kiss....bio!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SEX?
there is none like you *oops*

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What goes around*comes around*

quite chun, this note. well if uve been tagged, u knw what u gotta do! n don forget to tag me bak aite! cheers.

Ness
Rowena
Chappa
Anna
Lydia
Usha
Nicholas Nathaniel (since you so bored!!)

In the purest

2009-02-06T13:19:00.003+08:00

Evil looms in the purest.
But still we choose to linger on,
linger in the pain and sorrow.
Hoping for a better tomorrow.
Just hope.
Instead of actually getting off our lazy arses,
we prefer to sit and hope.
They tell us to pray,
So we sit and we pray.
Hoping again for some sort of miracle.
Why not try to be the miracle??
Why not try to be someone's extraordinary?
Change someone's life today.
Be a gift, a friend, a faith, a smile.
Make someone's life worthwhile.
Make yours worth more.
More than it is, moret than you (ironically) hope it should be.
I look around me and I digest the world we live in, and how unsafe it has become.
How my parents try to protect me from it all.
I just don't know how long they can.
Sooner or later, they'll have to let me go.
At that time, without uncertainty, it will not be any safer than it is now.
What then?
I think of the future, the family I might want to build.
But do I really want to bring a child into this world?
Would that be the right thing to do?
How do we know?
How will we ever.

Nessy tagged me!

2009-02-04T15:12:00.003+08:00

Whoever gets tagged has to write 10 things about the person who tagged her/him

I've known her since I was 4
She likes purple!!
She's a Leo
She's my sound board
She wants to get into Broadway
She's going to study in Perth :(
She has 3 dogs.
She passed her undang! go ness!
She's a camwhore. Woot!
She's my best friend!

Now 10 things about yourself.

I shower in the dark
I like him xD
I like sexy guitarists
I went to MOS
I like purple
I'm going for Jason Mraz's concert
I want to be the difference
I want to be with Jean and Anna
I want the iMac. ohLordy.
I wanna get out.

I shall now tag

Jean-cos now i know she has a blog
Anna-cos she should have a blog
Lydia-do you have a blog?
Ness-cos she knows more that 10 things about me!
Janus-to see if he knows anything about me

Death; I have issues.

2009-01-29T03:19:00.006+08:00

Hey, i know this will sound weird, but last night I dreamt you passed away. Just want to let you know I appreciate the small presence you have in my life.

I was just staring at your message: Thanks for sharing that.
There might be some truth in that, I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
I just hope i get to finish my work.

I don't like how that sounded. I'm only just getting to know you. I'm not done, neither are you.

That was nice to hear,.. yes Boss!

Sorry, didn't mean to come off too strong. I have issues with death. Just stop thinking about it ok? Its so morbid. :D

As I sat, thinking about the way he said there might be some truth in that, i begin to stare into oblivion.
And i'm reminded of the ruthless person death is.
Death who creeps up on you and grabs you when you are least expecting it.
I have issues.
Death, the same one who gets you thinking.
Thinking about all you have left behind, if anything at all.
The mark or impact you've left, suddenly seems so small.
Suddenly you realise that life is not about the money or the fame, its about love.
Love that you've hopefully shared with those who mean the most.
In achieving dreams.
My dream is to help someone change, to help someone achieve something, to make a difference.
I am ultimately determined to make a change in his life.
If only he would let me.
He has disappeared now, and every waking moment I'm silently praying that he is alright.
That he doesn't assume his work done, and have at it.
He's not done, Lord, I'm not done with him.
I'm not ready.
He said he wasn't ready.
What about you?